Kirk Mindtrick: Bulls Round 1 Preview

On the eve of First Round action NBA Playoffs style, the battle of mental toughness has already been decided. Miami Heat’s all world guard Dwyane Wade has allowed the master of head games to strike again. Dr. Hinrich, for no other reason I can come up with, has always been able to D up D-Wade by mostly paranoia. Sure he’s an above average defender, but it takes more to hold ‘Flash’ in check than just being quick to the ball. Can you imagine being an NBA superstar and having a goofy looking country boy from Iowa talk trash (sort of) to you and back it up? I couldn’t. I’d have a one way ducket to Dr. Leo Marvin’s office.

Not only is Captain Kirk in Wade’s attic, how about James “Not Quite Willie” Posey? Willie, I mean James (wait are you sure they aren't the same person) Posey once tried to de-shoulder the above mentioned ‘Too Pretty from Sioux City’ in a playoff game last year. Like Marty McSorley once enforced the ice for the Great One, James Posey thinks he is ‘the Law’ of the hardwood (and apparently of the roads). Opening night this season, a rematch against the Heaters, a Bulls ass kicking by the way, Posey thought that it was his duty to welcome Tyrus Thomas to the NBA, Geraldo style. Tyrus was back within a week and has improved beyond most’s expectations. In the mean time, Posey still stinks and he may or may not be playing much in this series due to a recent wrist injury. Tyrussaurus must be salivating at the opportunity to get revenge with a different kind of facial than what Posey so cowardly chose.

And to the people out there choosing the Shaq matchup to be the end-all be-all of the series, shut up. Shaq will get his Kazaam on, sure, but can Miami take the Heat? The first time Hinrich and Wade get tangled up and Flash gets knocked to the floor courtesy of a Chapu brick wall pick, the pendulum will surely swing towards Lake Michigan.

Other featured matchups:

Skiles vs Riles: Pat Riley may have the Hollywood good looks, slicked back hair, and championship rings, but no nonsense Indiana-bred Scott Skiles has 30 assists to his resume and one of the greatest quotes used since humans could talk: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question ... wait a minute, I do have a dollar for every time I've been asked that question." You get the point.

Edge: Skiles by a country miles.

The Fro vs. The Diesel: The only player to shoot free throws worse than the Big Baryshnikov is ‘The Body’ Ben Wallace. Scott Skiles doesn’t care so I don’t care.

Edge: Big Ben

All and all Chicago fans, this will be must see TV from home or at the UC. From Gordon floaters, to Tyrus badonka-dunks, Thabo wabos, and free Big Macs. Both teams are different from a year ago, Miami a bit older and the Bulls a bit colder.

Now seriously folks, four games in Chicago should be enough, the Heat are beat up pretty good now, and the Bulls have the depth. The difference this time around will be mental toughness. No one in the East is more mentally tough than the crew devised by Johnny Pax.
Duhon hitting some wide open j's would be nice too.

Edge: Da Bool in 6

Cubs Gournal #2

Somebody in this picture needs to be sent to the glue factory, and it's not the horse. The Cubs have had a rough go of it lately, and Scott Eyre didn't really help matters Wednesday night in Atlanta.

The latest in a series of nad punch losses included many things we've already seen too much of this season: a shaky start from Big Z, a late inning comeback that falls just short, crappy pitching from the bullpen lefties not named Neal Cotts, and a defensive miscue from Little Cesar.

The team is 0-6 in games decided by two runs or less. When they get good pitching, they hit like Neifi. When they get good hitting, they pitch like Wade Miller. If they can just figure out how to hit and pitch simultaneously for a week or two, they'll be fine. This division is like the NFC North without the Bears.

- The agony started on Friday. Carlos was cruising along with a 5 run lead when the roof caved in during the 5th inning. Ohman came in and helped out by walking in a couple of runs. Mt. Lou's first eruption of the season almost made up for this crapfest. Rich Hill and Lilly pitched a couple of great games back to back, but Lilly's was wasted when Kyle Freaking Lohse struck out 12 of these knuckleheads in 8 shutout innings.

- Monday's win over the Pads was notable for another good start by Marquis (who seems to have forgotten for now that he sucks) and the inevitable injury to Soriano. Turns out it was just a hammy pull, and it gave us the opportunity to see Felix Pie for a few days. The only thing I want to remember about his debut is the laser that he unleashed to gun a guy at the plate in the 10th. The outcome of the game itself made Cubs fans feel like they had eaten some tainted puppy chow. Even Lou didn't want anything to do with it (from the Trib):

Jason Marquis was inserted as a pinch-runner by "assistant manager-for-the-day" Cliff Floyd. Because the Cubs were out of position players, Marquis would have played first base in the 15th if the game had been tied up."I told Floyd to figure it out," Piniella said. "That was his job."Floyd said he chose Marquis because of his athleticism, but wasn't really sure why he was asked to make the decision."I was just sitting down there chilling," Floyd said, "hoping we'd win this game."

- Rich Hill salvaged a split in Atlanta after Eyre's pants-pooping Wednesday night. Hill has looked so good that his arm will probably be eaten by a wood chipper pretty soon.

There are a lot of questions surrounding this team as the Cards come to town. Can they turn it around before they dig themselves too big of a hole? Will Pie play well enough to stay up once Soriano is healthy? If so can Hendry just get rid of this bum already? How many more starts will noodle-armed Wade Miller get before Angel Guzman gets a shot? Was anyone else creeped out when Jesse White told Ron Santo "We don’t want your organs now, we’ll take them later" during a visit to the radio booth?

I know I was. If the Cubs don't start winning some more of these close games, Jesse might get to harvest Ronnie's innards sooner than he thinks.

Rocky v. Thunderlips II???

When I woke up this morning I considered three things to be absolute truths.

Of course I'm talking about death, taxes, and Rocky v. Thunderlips as the greatest inter-disciplinary fight of all time.

If UFC president Dana White has his way, one of those truths will be in serious jeopardy.

Dan Wetzel at Yahoo Sports wrote yesterday about the war of words going on between White and super-badass and boxing superstar Floyd Mayweather Jr.

A few highlights...

"UFC's champions can't handle boxing. That's why they are in UFC." Mayweather said Tuesday from Las Vegas during a break in training. "Put one of our guys in UFC and he'd be the champion. Any good fighter, he'd straight knock them out."

"Take Chuck Liddell," Mayweather said of the UFC's biggest star and light heavyweight champion (about 205 pounds). "Put him in the ring with a (boxer) who is just 10-0 and Chuck Liddell would get punished."

"Boxers couldn't become mixed martial artists. That's why they're boxers," White countered Wednesday from England where UFC has an event Saturday. "They are one trick ponies. Our guys can do everything. They can box, they can kick box, they can wrestle and do jiu-jitsu. They are much better athletes than boxers."

"I used to talk like Floyd Mayweather when I was involved in boxing," White said. "I talked just like him, until I educated myself about this sport. These guys are amazing athletes, Floyd Mayweather is one of the best boxers ever, (and) Sean Sherk will whoop his ass in under two minutes."

"Any day that Mayweather wants to put his money and his ass where his mouth is, I'm ready," White continued. "If he wants to step up, let's do it."

I realize this will never actually happen, but as we are all things sports here at Shooter and Gracey, I felt it was important to throw our support behind this potential battle. I have no idea what would happen or who I would want to win, but one thing is certain... Rocky III would never be the same.

NostraDraftus

The first pick in the first NFL draft gave Gerald Ford a scar and was big in the plastics industry. He never played in the league.

The third pick in the first NFL draft was actually named William Shakespeare and was huge in the rubber industry. He was drafted by the Pittsburgh Pirates and won a medal for gallantry in action.

Since then the draft has been pretty boring. Jets fans like to boo, Tony Mandarich was a bust, Eli Manning is a pud, and Chris Berman is loud, red and puffy. Most self respecting sports blogs like to put together a mock draft of at least the first round. But I'm too lazy for that, so I'll give you the top ten and the first few Bears picks (all we really care about anyway).

Prediction #1 - no trades in the top ten. Everybody is afraid of giving up too much to move up and give a guy a $20 mildo bonus, only to watch him suck it up Eli-style. So here you go, Shooter & Gracey's 1st annual super terrific mock draft explosion party:

1. Oakland - JaMarcus Russell, fat guy, LSU. So he can make the "butt throw". That will come in handy when he is playing behind this big hairy turd.

2. Detroit - Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame. Matt Millen needs somebody to help Roy Williams put up the stupid amount of points he always talks about. Should be fun to watch the shebeast's reaction the first time her man clocks her brother in a pro game.

3. Cleveland - Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma. Picking up a creaky Jamal Lewis won't stop the Browns from drafting this guy. Jamal and Mr. Peterson can share stories about the hoosegow while they watch "All Day" run people over.

4. Tampa Bay - Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech. The best player in the draft falls into Chucky's lap. There are rumors that CJ was manufactured by the same Soviet scientists that came up with this guy. And he's such a good guy off the field he spent his summer building crappers in Bolivia. Unfortunately for Calvin he will have a spleenless Chris Simms or some Polish guy throwing him the rock.

5. Arizona - Joe Thomas, meatwad, Wisconsin. The only interesting storyline here will be if Denny Green will be able to figure out that this pile of meat needs to play right tackle to protect Spuds McKenzie's blind side.

6. Washington - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson. The Redskins are dumb. It's obvious they want Lance Briggs pretty bad. Most people think if they would have thrown Rocky McIntosh into their offer to the Bears, it was a done deal. But they insist on keeping the guy whose job Lance would take anyway? Whatever. They're better off holding on to the pick - their ends last year combined for 11 sacks, which is bad. And by bad, I mean awful.

7. Minnesota - TheRon Landry, FS, LSU. This dude is good- he's been compared to Ed Reed by several people who spend a lot more time watching football than I do. Hopefully he doesn't do this to Rex.

8. Atlanta - Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville. Petrino is reunited with the Doogie Howser of football. The kid went to college at 16 years old, an age when most of us were trying to figure out how to procure some Mickey's 40's.

9. Miami - Levi Brown, OT, Penn State. Aren't you glad the Bears didn't hire Nick Saban? He actually thought it was a good idea to have one legged Daunte Culpepper and the piano man as his QBs. Daunte should make it to at least Week 6 with this guy blocking for him.

10. Houston - Alan Branch, DT, Michigan. Mario Williams gets some much needed help. I thought long and hard about making Leon Hall the pick, just to have a laugh at the expense of the guy Leon would replace. But Shooter and Gracey is about hard hitting sports analysis, not going for the easy punch line.

31. Bears - Ben Grubbs, OG, Auburn. On to the important picks. The Bears offensive line, and Ruben Brown in particular, is getting old. The pancakes, rodeos, and cockroaches will be nice, but having a guy we can call Grubbsy will be just as good.

37. Bears - Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU. Moose is on his last legs. Bowe is a possession guy who will be a good complement for the speed of Berrian/Bradley (whichever one is healthy). Look at his positives - does anybody know what "good bubble" means?

94. Bears - Rufus Alexander, OLB, Oklahoma. Even if Briggs comes to his senses and plays the whole season, he'll need to be replaced after the Super Bowl parade. Hopefully he will be as entertaining as this Rufus.

Employee of the Month

Exactly two weeks ago today it was reported that Mark Prior was an employee of the Cubs Organization and he was pushing aside aspirations of Major League greatness to instead become a Triple A All-Star for the Iowa Cubs. Des Moines would never be the same.

Today I regret to inform you that this new career seems to be in jeopardy. If it is the same "vague shoulder soreness" as last year, then Prior's Triple A season likely ends with a record of one 75 pitch bullpen session. It has not yet been reported if Prior will next try his hand at Double A Tennessee Smokies.


We do have some good new to report on the story. It seems a fan has recovered Prior's arm.



Actually that is the arm of a Taiwanese veterinarian, but if Prior actually ever did run into this croc, in my world, the animal would be doing him a favor.

Cubs Gournal #1

Ah...those were the days weren't they Lou? Relaxing on the beach enjoying the company of a lovely lady.

Now you're stuck sitting on an uncomfortable wooden bench freezing your 63 year old nads off and watching:

- Your "Gold Glove caliber" shortstop fumble his way to 3 errors in one game.

- Two of your "best" relievers serve up BP in the late innings.

- Your $136 million dollar man get on base about as often as Neifi Perez did.

Fortunately for us, old Lou understands the big picture a little better than all of us meatball fans who crap our pants the first week of the season. I'm sure his gut tells him that Cesar can't be any worse than Ronny/Neifi (can he?) , Howry and Eyre will be fine, and Alfonso and everyone else will start hitting as soon as it warms up.

So I'm going to hop on board Lou's lovable gut and agree that things will get better eventually.

- The season started with Sam Zell's purchase of the Tribune Company. Micheal Ray Richardson saved the newspaper clipping for his Those People Own Everything binder.

- Lou referred to Matt Murton as The Adorable Redhead. A great nickname, but not as good as Burleigh Grimes'. It's too bad Old Aches and Pains is taken, Cliff Floyd is going to have to go back to the drawing board.

- The Reds took two out of three as Big Donkey took Big Z out of the yard twice, Lilly pitched a gem, and Ohman and Barrett couldn't play catch.

- Carlos says the Reds lineup is better than the Brewers, and Rickie Weeks respectfully disagrees. This reminds me of the Jason Dubois-Todd Hollandsworth argument. It doesn't matter, they both stink.

- The Cubs bounced back to win a couple in the good land. Rich Hill (perfect through five innings) and Carlos were good. Wade Miller, not so much.

- In their triumphant return to Wrigley, Cesar and the Cubs laid a couple of eggs for the home crowd, and Devin reminded us that he is a man of many talents.

Things will get better this weekend - Carlos will have his vengeance against the Reds and the bats will warm up. Let's hope the weather does too, because Ronnie's feet are freezing.

Shouldn't these guys be somewhere else??

Hendry brings in Army paratroopers to help get the win and we still can't beat the Astros on opening day? I've always said that Jim Hendry hurts America's chances in winning Operation: Enduring Freedom, and by god I'm on to something. Mr. general manager, keep your hands off of our troops and let them help secure our homeland. You should be ashamed of yourself.

They Can't Be Getting Paid for This

Today at the Sun-Times Gordo W and C DeLuca had this gem in their "short hops" section.

*New center fielder Alfonso Soriano stole his first base in the seventh. He needs 39 more -- and 40 more homers -- for his second straight 40-40 season.

Is it national "have you kids write your column day" already? Holy shit that is dumb.

Hello.

When charged with the unenviable task of composing our Manifesto, I asked myself one simple question. Why do we admire our respective namesakes so much?

For me the answer is simple. Shooter and Gracey represent two paths of life rolled into one; the path we dream of taking and the path we actually take. In other words we are measured by where we end up, but we are remembered for how we got there.

S and G celebrates both paths, and usually does so drunk.

Power and Glory

Can you name a pair of professional athletes that have sucked down more Marlboros than these two superjocks? I didn't think so.

Welcome to their glog.