NostraDraftus

The first pick in the first NFL draft gave Gerald Ford a scar and was big in the plastics industry. He never played in the league.

The third pick in the first NFL draft was actually named William Shakespeare and was huge in the rubber industry. He was drafted by the Pittsburgh Pirates and won a medal for gallantry in action.

Since then the draft has been pretty boring. Jets fans like to boo, Tony Mandarich was a bust, Eli Manning is a pud, and Chris Berman is loud, red and puffy. Most self respecting sports blogs like to put together a mock draft of at least the first round. But I'm too lazy for that, so I'll give you the top ten and the first few Bears picks (all we really care about anyway).

Prediction #1 - no trades in the top ten. Everybody is afraid of giving up too much to move up and give a guy a $20 mildo bonus, only to watch him suck it up Eli-style. So here you go, Shooter & Gracey's 1st annual super terrific mock draft explosion party:

1. Oakland - JaMarcus Russell, fat guy, LSU. So he can make the "butt throw". That will come in handy when he is playing behind this big hairy turd.

2. Detroit - Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame. Matt Millen needs somebody to help Roy Williams put up the stupid amount of points he always talks about. Should be fun to watch the shebeast's reaction the first time her man clocks her brother in a pro game.

3. Cleveland - Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma. Picking up a creaky Jamal Lewis won't stop the Browns from drafting this guy. Jamal and Mr. Peterson can share stories about the hoosegow while they watch "All Day" run people over.

4. Tampa Bay - Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech. The best player in the draft falls into Chucky's lap. There are rumors that CJ was manufactured by the same Soviet scientists that came up with this guy. And he's such a good guy off the field he spent his summer building crappers in Bolivia. Unfortunately for Calvin he will have a spleenless Chris Simms or some Polish guy throwing him the rock.

5. Arizona - Joe Thomas, meatwad, Wisconsin. The only interesting storyline here will be if Denny Green will be able to figure out that this pile of meat needs to play right tackle to protect Spuds McKenzie's blind side.

6. Washington - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson. The Redskins are dumb. It's obvious they want Lance Briggs pretty bad. Most people think if they would have thrown Rocky McIntosh into their offer to the Bears, it was a done deal. But they insist on keeping the guy whose job Lance would take anyway? Whatever. They're better off holding on to the pick - their ends last year combined for 11 sacks, which is bad. And by bad, I mean awful.

7. Minnesota - TheRon Landry, FS, LSU. This dude is good- he's been compared to Ed Reed by several people who spend a lot more time watching football than I do. Hopefully he doesn't do this to Rex.

8. Atlanta - Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville. Petrino is reunited with the Doogie Howser of football. The kid went to college at 16 years old, an age when most of us were trying to figure out how to procure some Mickey's 40's.

9. Miami - Levi Brown, OT, Penn State. Aren't you glad the Bears didn't hire Nick Saban? He actually thought it was a good idea to have one legged Daunte Culpepper and the piano man as his QBs. Daunte should make it to at least Week 6 with this guy blocking for him.

10. Houston - Alan Branch, DT, Michigan. Mario Williams gets some much needed help. I thought long and hard about making Leon Hall the pick, just to have a laugh at the expense of the guy Leon would replace. But Shooter and Gracey is about hard hitting sports analysis, not going for the easy punch line.

31. Bears - Ben Grubbs, OG, Auburn. On to the important picks. The Bears offensive line, and Ruben Brown in particular, is getting old. The pancakes, rodeos, and cockroaches will be nice, but having a guy we can call Grubbsy will be just as good.

37. Bears - Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU. Moose is on his last legs. Bowe is a possession guy who will be a good complement for the speed of Berrian/Bradley (whichever one is healthy). Look at his positives - does anybody know what "good bubble" means?

94. Bears - Rufus Alexander, OLB, Oklahoma. Even if Briggs comes to his senses and plays the whole season, he'll need to be replaced after the Super Bowl parade. Hopefully he will be as entertaining as this Rufus.